How to Rainbow Nails

Step 1: Drink four large bourbon and diet cola drinks.

Step 2: Decide you ABSOLUTELY MUST paint a rainbow on your nail.

Step 3: Locate nail varnishes.

Step 4: Nail varnishes located, tell your partner exactly where you bought each one and OOH LOOK AT THIS ONE ISN’T IT BRILL?

Step 5: Forget to file nail into shape.

Step 6: Forget to fix cuticles.

Step 7: Apply clear base coat.

Step 8: Remove cat hair from base coat.

‘Drink large bourbon and diet cola drinks’: Note ratio

Step 9: Remove own hair from base coat.

Step 10: Remember you have nothing for doing fine brushwork, send partner to sewing kit to fetch a pin.

Step 11: Explain the difference to them between ‘pin’ and ‘needle’.

Step 12: Realise you need the toilet. HOLD ON TO IT. DAMNIT. THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT.

Step 13: Apply white base coat.

Step 14: Reminisce about painting nails with Tippex at school.

Step 15: Locate old plastic takeaway box lid.

Step 16: Attempt to ignore slight lingering scent of crispy chili beef.

Step 17: Briefly extol the virtues of your regular takeaway’s crispy chilli beef over versions at other takeaways. (SHORT VERSION: Mine – not bright orange. Others – bright orange.)

Step 18: Fuck, I was painting my nails, wasn’t I?

Step 19: Locate nail varnish colours that make up a rainbow (ROYGBIV or similar – wild deviations will be prosecuted.)

Step 20: Get first colour. Splodge a bit on the takeaway lid.

Step 21: Use the head of the pin to build the first line of colour with blobby dots.

Step 22: Wipe pin. Preferably on a tissue. If you can’t be bothered to get one, the oilcloth tablecloth that you ruined with nail varnish previously will suffice, I suppose.

Bottled reproductive harm
Bottled reproductive harm

Step 23: Fuck me, how did this get to 23 steps long? Better get on with it. Still need a pee.

Step 24: Repeat steps 20, 21 and 22 until you have painted a full rainbow.

Step 25: Wait for varnish to dry a bit. If you are still busting for the toilet, you COULD get your partner to help you with the operation. Not that I’d ever do such a thing.

Step 26: Apply enough Seche Vite topcoat to cause birth defects or other reproductive harm. (The bottle promised it, so BRING IT ON.)

Step 27: Let it dry. Luckily Seche Vite makes this process faster, but I wouldn’t go sticking it up your nose or anything. (Use your other hand, you savage.)

Step 28: Can I Instagram this fucking thing yet?

Step 29: That’s enough. Your nail is done. You could do this for all 10 of your nails, or even all 20, but my professional opinion is that you shouldn’t repeat all of these idiotic steps for every single nail.

Step 30: Drink your 7th large bourbon and diet cola drink. You did carry on drinking the whole time, right? If you didn’t, grab the nail varnish remover, a stack of cotton wool pads, remove it all, THEN START AGAIN. Jesus. Amateur. Get out.


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