1. We will be free to defecate on our own beaches, just like the old days.
2. We will be able to sack people just because we don’t like their hair.
3. Creationism can once again be taught in our pubs.
4. Mumbai will revert to its proper name, Bombay Mix.
5. School dinners will be British, bringing back such classics as spaghetti bolognese, pizza, chicken balti and mechanically recovered turkey parts shaped like tractors.
6. We will be free to drink milk naturally flavoured at source with delicious steroids, antibiotics and preservatives.
7. We can call Mallorca ‘Majorca’ again.
8. The Great British crabstick will once again be formed from the residue of industrial waste.
9. We can throw bags of dog shit up into trees without interference from Brussels.
10. Schoolchildren will be able to learn Cornish or Welsh instead of pointless international languages.
11. A Remain victory will see up to three million jobs created.
12. The 12 hour overnight Boat Train to Paris will be reinstalled and Eurotunnel will be filled in using straight bananas and unpasteurised cheese.
13. Weston-Super-Mare will be renamed ‘Weston-the-Wonderhorse’.
14. Britain will be able to return to the halcyon days of having no voice on the world stage, no influence and no friends, just how we like it.
15. Immigrants will be booted out of the UK and we’ll all be able to work seven days a week cleaning toilets, laying tarmac and changing sheets in hotels until we retire, aged 87.
16. Unilateral fiscal policy will rejuvenate ailing industries such as smuggling, piracy and scavenging.
17. Slavery can be re-introduced and businesses will be able to pay interns in glass beads, gruel and sexual ‘favours’.
18. Local councils will be free to legalise paedophilia on an ad hoc basis.
19. Garlic will be eradicated.
20. Ashby-de-la-Zouch will be renamed ‘Ashley, you cunt’.
21. South London will be forced to secede from the UK and become its own principality, one in which beer is free and no one is expected to work, frown or fill out any forms.
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