The key pillars of Deserterism – work avoidance, messing about, taking it easy, independence in thought and deed and the pro-active seeking of pleasure – may seem to the uninitiated attainable only after a period of training or even some kind of formal study.
It is our assertion, however, that these traits are innate, ever-present beneath layers of conditioning. The only training one requires on the path to Deserterism is in the casting off of the yoke of expectation, the calipers of oppression. The means to salvation lies within you, awaiting release, like last night’s chicken phall.
On what do we base this conclusion? Simple: Our ceaseless observation of the animal kingdom. Or, at least, the animal pics we get sent on Twitter. Animals, we have realised, are like humans, but smarter, and there is much we can unlearn from them.
Here are some of our heroes:
Efficiency, they say, is the sum of laziness and intelligence, and this kitten’s design for life has got the lot.
Classic messing about on the way to the pub. A reminder not to follow the herd.
Our hopes of running into this debonair feller – clearly the life and soul of any outside gathering – were fading until…
(Pic via @Mr_Mike_Clarke)
…Could this be him in a Rotherhithe pub?
Undeterred by finding the pub closed, this contented creature simply enjoyed a good sit down in Tulse Hill.
(Pic by @rebelpaws)
‘Leaning is what sets us apart from the animal kingdom’, wrote Deserter colleague, Dirty South, in a now discredited assertion that saw him bottled off the stage at last year’s Hay Festival.
Staying with pigs, stick one in a car and they will light up like it’s the first day of the holidays. A reminder that a ride is a ride, even if it’s a bus to Lidl.
Animals are rarely asked their opinion of Christmas, but are still able speak eloquently on the matter.
(Pic by Ben Golik)
In times of proscription, a leader will emerge.
(Pic via @thestoneclub)
Supposedly emotionless cyborgs, the Cyberman’s organic origins will occasionally re-surface in the form of tobacco-based pleasure-seeking, particularly after a couple of pints.
This ancient monument goes a long way to proving what I think we have all suspected, given their sheer amount of legs: Namely, that before it was bred out of them, horses excelled at football. Indeed, it is now thought horses were amongst the first species to play the beautiful game, along with darts.
(Pic by G. Ramage)
Forced for centuries to stand up straight so we can ride them, the modern horse is fighting back, with sit-ins planned at both Hickstead and Aintree this year.
What? No, this is getting ridiculous…
(Pic via @foofversusevil)
Ah, that’s more like it. Seven for a secret never to be told: The street fag.
‘I’m just putting out the rubbish, love. Again.’
(Pic via @yestom)
Finally, the citizens of Istanbul – clearly more advanced in the appreciation of Deserting than many northern European peoples – saw something in this cat’s daily demeanour that was worth commemorating when he passed away in August. 17,000 of them demanded – and got – a permanent street memorial.
Lean on, little brother.
(Pic via @RashaAlAqeed)
More thoughts on the animals with Dulwich Raider and Dirty South in our first podcast:
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