There comes a time when the following thought becomes unavoidable: ‘No more will I stand for this.’
When you can no longer sit idly by and watch the country you quite like be consumed by greed, self-interest and cuntfulness. The elderly exploited, the vulnerable disregarded and innocent pints going for £6 a pop.
A time when you have to stand up and be counted. And we so nearly did.
We were determined to enter the General Election with a powerful platform for change. We would be a voice of hope for those with neither hope nor voice. However, there turned out to be an awful lot of forms.
Disappointed as we were with these unnecessary obstacles, we felt duty bound to let you know just what you’re missing by publishing the key pledges of our manifesto:
The Deserter Manifesto will be no longer than 500 words
Basic Income will be introduced immediately on the formation of a Deserter government, if not sooner. That’s £800 a month for every man, woman and manwomanman in the country, regardless of whether they work, shirk or twerk.
Racists will be deported and swapped for refugees on a one-in, one-out basis.
Opium will be freely available to anyone over 80.
Cannabis will not only be made legal, it will be compulsory.
A two-day working week will be introduced for those who suffer from the need to work.
Employers will be legally obliged to provide nap stations for every employee.
The elderly will be subject to an annual ‘bigot test’ to ensure they can vote.
Cars will be banned from city centres with a big sign saying, ‘Fuck off cars!’
Wine and beer will be served in hospitals and beds will be available in pubs.
The potato will be allowed into the ‘five-a-day’ club.
All football will return to normal telly
No football matches will be cancelled due to internationals.
The World Cup will be played every summer.
The price of beer will be frozen forever.
The Garden Bridge will be located between Thamesmead and Barking.
How To Do Fuck All will become a central plank of the National Curriculum.
All lunches will be served with a bottle of wine.
All unoccupied luxury apartments in London will be the subject of compulsory purchase orders and turned into social housing, except for those on the ground floor, which would be turned into bars with a pool table and Sky Sports and everything.
Local elections will be decided by a crazy golf tournament.
Ketchup will always be served in a bottle and not those fucking little sachets.
We will reverse Brexit and have makeup sex with all Europe.
Pub quizzes will be outlawed, except in the country where there’s fuck all else to do.
Dryanuary will be outlawed, especially in the country where there’s fuck all else to do.
You will never be more than 100 yards from a comfy chair.
Public transport will be free to those exhibiting signs of intoxication.
Brexiteers will be given the opportunity to embrace modern day slavery and pick fruit all day, change sheets in hotels and then come over and clean our toilet.
A racecourse will be built at Elephant and Castle instead of more flats for foreign investors.
Boris Johnson will be ‘live-stuffed’ by a taxidermist’s apprentice on Channel 5.
Candidates wishing to enter a General Election will not be subject to quite so many forms.
We are committed to completing our manifesto in time for the next election in 2022 and are almost confident our unpaid intern will deliver.