Annoyingly, in order to receive Jobseeker’s Allowance you must be ‘actively seeking work’. And if this wasn’t bad enough, the Department of Work and Pensions (DWP) will also require proof of this.

The simplest way to proceed, since it can be done from one’s bed, is to email out half a dozen CVs per day to various corporations. But hang on, you may argue, that means I actually have to write a CV, when all I really want to do is skin up and finish Super Mario Odyssey.

Fair point, and this is where we come in, with another of our occasional public service posts: How to write a CV.

The key with this type of DWP-appeasing CV – which we call ‘The Mollifier’ – is to make it sound plausible enough to keep the feds off your back, but also to ensure that it winds up in the shredder of every potential employer who actually takes the time to read it. To walk the tightrope, as it were, between ‘keen’ and ‘psychopath’, unemployed and unemployable.

Below, we provide a proven example of just such a skills-based CV. Please feel free to use and distribute as you wish.

Sign on, brothers and sisters.

Back to work

 

Curriculum Vitae

William Ankerman

15, Mortimer Road

New Cross,

London SE14 0TC

wankerman069@gmail.com

07959 197342

A graduate with employment and voluntary experience. I am ready for a new employment challenge and am convinced I have the requisite skills and experience for your company, including teamwork, organisation, communication, leadership, analysis, stasis and the suspension of consciousness.

Education and Qualifications

University of Oxbridge (2001-2004) BA Business Management and Economics 2:1

Haberdashers’ School (1994-1995 and 1997-2001) A-levels: Economics, film studies, haberdashery

Skills

Working in a team

University: As a member of the Boiler Room Soc we launched a successful initial public share offering of our shell company, Pump & Dump Holdings Ltd.

Vacation job: Excelled as part of a team of fluffers at Worthing Pornography Club, Sussex. Duties included making tea, distributing wet wipes and stimulating members.

Organisation

Arranged weekly ‘Nuts vs Screws’ Bake Off for inmates and warders at Feltham Young Offenders Institute.

At University I ran the TV Film Club. Successfully charged undergraduates for access to their own Common Room to watch movies on terrestrial TV. Feedback: ‘A sophisticated scam perpetuated upon his own contemporaries’.

Co-ordinated well-received tour of local hostelries for the Peckham Pub Appreciation Society, of which I am Secretary. Feedback: ‘William’s inspired evening rekindled my enthusiasm for pubs.’ ‘William was excellent. When I found myself in a juddering K-hole, he talked me down from the ceiling, cleaned me off and got rid of the trousers.’

Negotiation

University: After being apprehended by law enforcement offices, I successfully argued that the items in my possession were for personal use only.

Negotiated a repayment of 3p in the pound to my creditors, including MasterCard, First Direct and my mother.

Written Communication

At University I founded the successful business, In Your Own Words, which provided students nationwide with essays ‘on demand’, that I personally collated and amended from the internet.

Later, I started the Known ’Em For Years Reference Agency, a company that provided bespoke references for people starting a new job, opening a bank account, etc. Feedback: ‘Despite my recent bankruptcy, I am now on my third Debenhams Store Card in a row – I cannot thank you enough!’

Verbal Communication

As Chair of the University Film Society I conducted interviews and panel discussions with many film directors and stars, including Ben Dover, Kelly Lingus and Tom Wanks.

Led the consultation regarding the switching off of my father’s life support system, pointing out to family members that there was only a slim chance of recovery and that if we proceeded then we’d all get the money much sooner.

Leadership

Single-handedly brought production to a standstill in a small family-run cake business when hashish was discovered in the mix I was preparing. Led my co-workers in a sit-in protest strike.

Elected Chair of University Film Society after unfortunate ricin incidents at the homes of my fellow candidates.

IT Skills

Excel, Word, PowerPoint, SAGE One, GTA V, FIFA 18

Employment

Occasional kitchen assistant at my mother’s cake business (2016-present). Feedback: ‘On fire’.

Executive Producer, Pump & Dump Films (2005-2008). Liaised with both the PWC administration team that were to take over the company and, later, the City of London Police Fraud Squad.

Casual: Fluffer and stunt penis, Worthing Pornography Club (2004) – Feedback: ‘Outstanding cock’.

Volunteer Work

Pot boy, Peckham Liberal Club

Unofficial graffiti artist for Stormzy, Crystal Palace FC and others

Collecting for charity, Friday nights, Soho area

running-man-logo

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Image credits: Main image by 🐚, used under this licence. Back to work by Ana C used under this licence