How to Write a CV
Annoyingly, in order to receive Jobseeker’s Allowance you must be ‘actively seeking work’. And if this wasn’t bad enough, the Department of Work and Pensions (DWP) will also require proof of this.
The simplest way to proceed, since it can be done from one’s bed, is to email out half a dozen CVs per day to various corporations. But hang on, you may argue, that means I actually have to write a CV, when all I really want to do is skin up and finish Super Mario Odyssey.
Fair point, and this is where we come in, with another of our occasional public service posts: How to write a CV.
The key with this type of DWP-appeasing CV – which we call ‘The Mollifier’ – is to make it sound plausible enough to keep the feds off your back, but also to ensure that it winds up in the shredder of every potential employer who actually takes the time to read it. To walk the tightrope, as it were, between ‘keen’ and ‘psychopath’, unemployed and unemployable.
Below, we provide a proven example of just such a skills-based CV. Please feel free to use and distribute as you wish.
Sign on, brothers and sisters.
15, Mortimer Road
London SE14 0TC
A graduate with employment and voluntary experience. I am ready for a new employment challenge and am convinced I have the requisite skills and experience for your company, including teamwork, organisation, communication, leadership, analysis, stasis and the suspension of consciousness.
Education and Qualifications
University of Oxbridge (2001-2004) BA Business Management and Economics 2:1
Haberdashers’ School (1994-1995 and 1997-2001) A-levels: Economics, film studies, haberdashery
Working in a team
University: As a member of the Boiler Room Soc we launched a successful initial public share offering of our shell company, Pump & Dump Holdings Ltd.
Vacation job: Excelled as part of a team of fluffers at Worthing Pornography Club, Sussex. Duties included making tea, distributing wet wipes and stimulating members.
Arranged weekly ‘Nuts vs Screws’ Bake Off for inmates and warders at Feltham Young Offenders Institute.
At University I ran the TV Film Club. Successfully charged undergraduates for access to their own Common Room to watch movies on terrestrial TV. Feedback: ‘A sophisticated scam perpetuated upon his own contemporaries’.
Co-ordinated well-received tour of local hostelries for the Peckham Pub Appreciation Society, of which I am Secretary. Feedback: ‘William’s inspired evening rekindled my enthusiasm for pubs.’ ‘William was excellent. When I found myself in a juddering K-hole, he talked me down from the ceiling, cleaned me off and got rid of the trousers.’
University: After being apprehended by law enforcement offices, I successfully argued that the items in my possession were for personal use only.
Negotiated a repayment of 3p in the pound to my creditors, including MasterCard, First Direct and my mother.
At University I founded the successful business, In Your Own Words, which provided students nationwide with essays ‘on demand’, that I personally collated and amended from the internet.
Later, I started the Known ’Em For Years Reference Agency, a company that provided bespoke references for people starting a new job, opening a bank account, etc. Feedback: ‘Despite my recent bankruptcy, I am now on my third Debenhams Store Card in a row – I cannot thank you enough!’
As Chair of the University Film Society I conducted interviews and panel discussions with many film directors and stars, including Ben Dover, Kelly Lingus and Tom Wanks.
Led the consultation regarding the switching off of my father’s life support system, pointing out to family members that there was only a slim chance of recovery and that if we proceeded then we’d all get the money much sooner.
Single-handedly brought production to a standstill in a small family-run cake business when hashish was discovered in the mix I was preparing. Led my co-workers in a sit-in protest strike.
Elected Chair of University Film Society after unfortunate ricin incidents at the homes of my fellow candidates.
Excel, Word, PowerPoint, SAGE One, GTA V, FIFA 18
Occasional kitchen assistant at my mother’s cake business (2016-present). Feedback: ‘On fire’.
Executive Producer, Pump & Dump Films (2005-2008). Liaised with both the PWC administration team that were to take over the company and, later, the City of London Police Fraud Squad.
Casual: Fluffer and stunt penis, Worthing Pornography Club (2004) – Feedback: ‘Outstanding cock’.
Pot boy, Peckham Liberal Club
Unofficial graffiti artist for Stormzy, Crystal Palace FC and others
Collecting for charity, Friday nights, Soho area
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