Ever wondered how to do Voodoo? Read this handy guide to the popular dark art and discover how to mess with people’s lives in three easy steps!

Those who practice Voodoo (or Voodou, but we’ll use Voodoo) believe that there is an invisible world intertwined with our visible world. Death is a transition between these worlds, so our predecessors are still with us in spirit. Voodoo can be used to promote love, healing, protection and success – but that’s boring. With a little effort we can employ our Voodoo zombie spirits to do much more fun stuff.

Before we get going a brief word of warning: Whilst it’s fun to ‘do a bit of Voodoo’ for kicks, it is a powerful, shadowy and sinister force with inherent danger of injury, misery, mutilation and often actual death if performed without the requisite training and initiations. (You must get permission from your parent or guardian if under 18).

Right, that’s the legal stuff out of the way so let’s get started!

Your Voodoo spell chant

Learn and practice chanting the following genuine Voodoo spell mantra until it drives your neighbours batshit berserk:

Papa skull juju, gras mardi bayou, Voodoo eh! 
Papa stick pinsin, mojos doll hat top.
Top hat doll, mojos pinsin stick, Papa.
Papa juju skull, bayou mardi gras Voodoo yo! 

Now, who’s going to be the lucky recipient of your Voodoo magic?

Choosing a victim

You really need to have a genuine target for whom you feel sincere vicious or sadistic emotions or it simply won’t be effective. Some examples I’ve used in the past are:

  • A politician who gets on your tits
  • A colleague whose face irritates you
  • Anyone more successful than you
  • A more attractive/intelligent/sexually active friend
  • A business partner with better ideas
  • A parent, sibling or other exasperating relative
  • Your ex
  • Your partner
  • Ed Sheeran

You get the idea. Now let’s make your authentic Voodoo doll!

Are you sitting comfortably?

 

Making the doll

Before you start, collect your earwax for one year. If you have unproductive ears you may enlist donations from friends and family but on no account from your enemies, or known atheists such as Richard Dawkins or Ricky Gervais. NB Snoozing senior citizens are literally easy pickings!.

Next we need to model an authentic Voodoo doll that looks just like your victim. For the body you can use an old toy doll if the proportions are about right, such as Action Man (avoid gripping hands). If your target is chubby a Cabbage Patch doll is ideal, or perhaps even a Barbie if your victim has a tiny waist and really big tits (bitch!), but unless your quarry is a bodybuilder or a small horse/centaur avoid Masters of the Universe or My Little Pony. On no account use a Gonk or a Troll, they have their own inherent dark powers which are surprisingly easy to unleash. But that’s another story. Once you have a suitable base doll, strip it naked and rip its head off.

Now let’s sculpt your dolls head and add the Voodoo magic!

Draw the blinds and light some candles to get in the mood. Take the lump of earwax, dish the centre with your thumb and place it before you. Pierce your palm with a needle, making sure you bleed real red blood. Let fourteen drops fall down onto the wax. Be careful, if fifteen drop the spell is broken and the wax rendered ineffectual so you’d need to start collecting for another year. Knead the blood into the wax whilst casting your voodoo spell chant to make it feel really Voodooey. You can experiment with some light eyeball rolling at this stage but don’t overdo it or you’ll be too giddy for later on.

For the magic to ‘take’, your doll’s head really must closely resemble your quarry in looks. If it’s badly sculpted you may, quite unintentionally, make a facially deformed person have an undeservedly bad day. Or even worse, if your doll unintentionally resembles Channing Tatum, Kim Kardashian or the Queen of England you could have a celebrity scandal on your hands, so be careful. As with the chanting, the key here is practice, practice, practice and, if needed, a short course in portrait sculpture up to diploma level.

Once you are happy with the form of your (their) head, you need to add some eyes. I often use spare Pomegranate seeds as they give a nice bloodshot feel and you can use the rest in a delicious Lebanese salad, but you can improvise here. Don’t, however, be tempted to use map pins as this gives the doll’s spirit entity confused messages – when later pins are added they may be mistaken for extra eyes!

Your doll’s mouth can be cut and moulded then stitched closed which looks great and is especially good if part of what you want is for your victim to shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up

I don’t typically bother with much detail for the nose as the whole process is dragging a bit by now and you want to get on and mess with someone’s life. A simple pair of pencil stab holes will usually suffice.

Fix the finished head to the body with secure fixings then dab a touch more blood on its forehead, chest, belly and genital area whilst wailing and shouting: “I name you [name of victim]. Now you are he! [she!]” You can really let the eyeball rolling kick in here.

Now dress the doll using miniature clothes made from the victim’s garments. You can usually grab something from a washing line but you must then wear them for a month without washing before use. If Ed Sheeran or similar, try eBay.

Next obtain a lock of their hair. This can be difficult but is absolutely essential unless you are lucky enough to be targeting someone bald. Once obtained, attach it to the waxy bloody head and roughly style it into their haircut using nail scissors and a toothbrush. If a Trump Doll, really go for it with the back-combing. Remember to keep chanting like a nutjob throughout and flailing your head around as if you are possessed by ‘daemons’ or ‘magik’ (but mind those scissors!). If you feel dizzy ease back on the eye rolling.

Finally, burn everything left over from the doll-making while still chanting and dancing around the fire naked, taking care not to attract attention from your neighbours. Right, you’re all set!

Nailed it

Using the doll

Before using the doll, fast, take no alcohol and refrain from sexual practices for one week (yes, including self pleasurement). On the eighth day, make sure you are home alone, remove all your body hair and cleanse yourself. Remain in this ‘skyclad’ state for all that follows.

The classic approach is to stalk your victim and aggressively jab a needle into the doll’s groin just as the target begins flirting or starts a job interview, but you can be much more creative and subtle. Why not have your victim put on weight over a longer period? It’s simple now you have your doll and I’ll show you how:

Get some pins and needles, undress your doll and gently and repeatedly prick the fatty zones you want to bulk up; belly, thighs, back tits, bingo wings, etc. If your victim is known to you in daily life, you can silently snigger with glee as you watch them piling on the pounds with poor food choices and excess appetite, smearing jam on pizzas or mixing bacon with ice-cream and gorging themselves on third helpings. Alternatively, if your victim is in the public eye, just watch out for those ‘Look! A Celebrity Got Fat’ headlines in the gossip magazines!

WARNING: If you yourself experience pins and needles during the session and your face or arse begins to swell up, stop immediately as you have accidentally made the doll be you by mistake – did you cheat and use your own hair? It’s a common beginner’s mistake and all you need to do is spit in the dolls face thrice times and recite your chant backwards to break the connection.

This is just one example of a fun way to use your doll but there are hundreds more – just use your imagination! Here’s a few more ideas I’ve had fun with:

By customising the base body of the doll you can cause your victim to become shorter, have smaller breasts or a shorter penis but do be aware that if you break parts of the doll entirely you can cause your target to snap in half or lose an arm or leg as they go about their daily business or just as they walk out on stage. If serious injury or death is caused it could result in a police investigation.

There! Simple, wasn’t it? Happy Voodooing!

NB: Destroy the doll when finally bored of tormenting, otherwise it could form part of criminal proceedings.

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Image credits: Main image by Mohammed Alnaser used under this licence; Are you sitting comfortably? (detail) and Nailed it by Agathe LM used under this licence; Ed Sheeran by Margot_M used under this licence