How to Make a Fez for your Cat
1. Split up with your long-term boyfriend.
3. Spend 6 months adjusting to living on your own.
5. Decide you need to keep busy at the weekends, because housework and cry-wanking just ain’t cutting it.
7. Decide to fill your weekends with other worthy activities like crafts. Crafts! They are fun and wholesome!
9. You could make some funny clothing for your cat? The internet is full of cats dressed like twats.
10. A bra and panties set is a terrible idea.
11. JESUS CHRIST YOU MISSED A DRINK. Have two.
12. How about a fez? Everyone loves a fez. Surely cats like fezzes?
13. Research AND drink.
14. Cats don’t like anything except death and pissing.
15. Buy red felt and a tiny tassel. eBay is usually good for picking up random craft things like tiny tassels. (Thought: Maybe people put them on their nipples? I did wonder why I could buy such a small tassel. Now I think about it, nipples is the only possible explanation. Well, I’m a renegade maverick who plays by her own rules. No nip tassels for me, HATS FOR CATS is my game.)
16. Drink while you wait for your eBay items to tun up. This could take several days so pace yourself. Don’t die for a cat fez.
17. You could also get some other things together. Thin card, like the kind from a cereal box. Glue. A needle and thread. Scissors. A healthy disregard for your sanity.
18. WOOHOO THE POST’S HERE.
19. Pizza menu.
20. WOOHOO THE POST’S HERE.
21. Jehovah’s Witnesses. Accidentally show them a nip. AGAIN. (Do they get a batsignal when I’m in the bath? I swear they’ve seen my left tit more than I have.)
22. WOOHOO THE POST’S HERE. WITH CRAFT SUPPLIES!
23. File the water bill behind the radiator.
24. Start with a nice drink.
25. Get card. Cut a shape for a wide-based cylinder. Cut a round bit for the top. Remember to add tabs to allow for gluing together. I’d draw you a template but to be honest, the less I can be held accountable for this, the better.
26. Stick all of your cardboard bits together with glue.
27. Well, this is thirsty work, isn’t it?
28. Cut your red felt in approximation of the shapes required to cover the fez you have stuck together. I can’t tell you how to do this, because fuck knows how I did it.
29. Discover the felt doesn’t stick down very well. ACCIO STAPLER. (The cat will never know, neither will your online audience. Hide the staples at the back, you big fraud.)
30. Time for a little tipple.
31. Think of some creative swear words.
32. Use a needle and thread to attach the tassel on the top.
33. Stab your finger when you pierce the cardboard with the needle. Time to roll out those creative swear words – I suggest PISSFART, FUCKBUMBLE and SHITTOCKS as starters for ten.
34. Well, this little hat looks amazing (if you don’t look at the back). Where’s the fucking cat?
35. The cat is asleep in the lounge. Excellent. Sneak up on it.
35. Put the hat on the cat. Realise you didn’t attach elastic or anything for actually affixing to the cat. No, you can’t use the stapler, fool.
36. Steadying drink.
37. Caaaaaarefully balance the hat on the sleeping cat’s head.
38. This looks like shit, doesn’t it?
39. Hate yourself. Hate your cat. Hate fezzes. Hate crafts. Hate yourself a bit more.
40. Sign up for online dating.
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